Memoirs
by roseake
Summary: Anita Harley was Admiral Kathryn Janeway's aide since the latter's infamous return from the Delta Quadrant. In this exclusive string of interviews, we gain an insight into the notoriously private woman's life like never before - from someone who witnessed the events as they unfolded. Stay tuned.
1. Chapter 1

**Notes: **Annie is a character that I've envisioned for quite a while, kind of as a medium into the Voyager world. So I figured it'd be fun to have her tell things from her point of view.

I don't really know what I'm doing, I'm just kind of going with it. This'll probably be a timeline of Voyager's crew post-Endgame, although without C/7 happening because I kind of forget about that anyway. It might jump around a bit but I'll put dates on the top to make it clear.

Bear with me on updates too - college starts again on Tuesday and I have tests for the next couple of weeks, and my muse is difficult on the best of days.

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><p>"Commander Harley, thank you for joining us today."<p>

Anita Harley shook the hands of the two other women in the room and seated herself in the plush armchair across from them. She thanked them for having her and crossed her legs carefully under the wooden table.

The woman with the long gray hair and large spectacles addressed her, "Now, I'm sure you're already aware of the reason you have been asked here, but to clarify: These will simply be a series of informal interviews about your time serving as Admiral Janeway's aide, your stories will be added to the memoirs being compiled by Starfleet." This woman was a well known author that Anita vaguely recognised; although she had never seen the Andorian historian in the immaculate Starfleet uniform that occupied the third chair around the table.

A year or so ago, Starfleet had decided to write a series of memoirs focusing on some of the most important officers of the last few decades. In truth they were really just books with various members of the brass boasting about how well they knew Picard or Akaar or, for some ridiculous reason, Jellico.

Picard's hadn't been that bad; Captain Crusher had made sure that there was plenty of well-placed sentiment and realistic critique in his interview, and Ambassador Worf made for a fascinating read.

Janeway's memoirs were proving more of a challenge. Those that had known her before Voyager were more than happy to give character references, as were the officers that worked with her when they came home, but finding people who knew about her personal life was proving awkward. The Admiral was a notoriously private person and you had to be in a certain circle to have any insight.

Namely, you had to be in the Voyager circle.

Commander Anita Harley worked as Admiral Janeway's aide for the years following Voyager's return from the Delta Quadrant, and was considered an honorary crew member; if not practically adopted. It was a stroke of good luck that they had managed to contact her before she was due to leave on the Enterprise-F.

The Andorian leaned in closer, "We'd like to know about the moments you spent with Admiral Janeway that really stand out in your mind. If you could, specifically those involving her personal life, but any stories you have would be greatly appreciated."

The Commander seemed to contemplate for a minute, pursing her lips and sitting up straighter; before breaking into a smile, her dark eyes sparkling, "Well you've certainly got the right girl, but I have to ask, do you want to know everything? As in, do you also want to know about the things not related to her career?"

Both women nodded, "Of course, we want to paint a picture of the person, not simply the uniform." The gray-haired one narrowed her eyes and added, "Unfortunately, many other officers think we simply want a dry account of their skill set."

"So you want juicy, relatable and personal?" More enthusiastic nodding.

Anita settled herself more comfortably, picking her black coffee from the table, "Alright, but we might be here for a while."

Her eyes smiled over the rim of her mug as she began.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanksgiving - 2379**

The day began with an early morning run around Admiral Janeway's home town of Bloomington. The quaint town was crisp in preparation for winter and Annie had to measure her breathing to avoid getting a sore throat; frost still settled on the trees and the roofs of the closely-built houses. She could see why the Admiral had missed this place, but could also understand her adolescent need to escape - for such an adventurous type it would no doubt have become suffocating.

Gretchen Janeway had greeted her at the door with a cup of hot cocoa - bless this woman - and her two daughters were already seated around the large wooden table in the dining room. Pheobe, an artistic personality with much the same fire as her sister, was wide awake and pouring yoghurt over her fresh fruit. Gretchen skirted around the furniture and prodded her eldest, who looked like she was struggling to remain conscious over her cup of hot coffee.

Nearly one year removed from Voyager, Janeway joked that she was still catching up on sleep. Annie considered this entirely plausible.

Part of her job description prior to being assigned to the Admiral had involved being completely versed in the adventures of Voyager's crew: the traumatic experiences, the routines, the battles - everything. In essence, Annie had been required to study the woman she would be working under. This was not normal procedure for aides at all, but she had jumped at the chance to put her psychologist training to work while advancing up the command track. It also didn't hurt that she'd been following the Voyager saga from the moment they renewed contact four years ago.

By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, Ensign Harley had been working at Admiral Janeway's side for six months, and the two were getting along quite well, if she did say so herself. Both driven and enthusiastic individuals, it wasn't hard to feed off each other's energy.

The only thing that was proving difficult was keeping up with the red head's busy schedule. Annie had happily maintained a 4.0 average at the Academy, while balancing her studies with sports, experience placements and extra training; but Janeway was on a whole other level. The early weeks had found the younger, taller girl jogging through the Starfleet HQ halls, trying to look as dignified as possible when carrying her own weight in paperwork.

The Admiral had invited her aide to her mother's house for Thanksgiving as a treat, being as Annie had no close family to speak of. The entire Voyager crew was to throw a feast at her family home, being as all the Thanksgivings feasts for the past seven years had consisted primarily of Leola root, a substance Annie had no desire to try.

"Come on girls, we'd better get moving if we're going to be ready in time for our guests," Gretchen's voice was firm as she placed each hand on a shoulder of the women sat in front of her. The difference between sisters was highlighted further as one rose and one slumped further forwards onto the table.

Approaching Annie, Gretchen took the empty mug out of her hands and smiled kindly, "Feel free to take a shower first, dear, then I'm sure we can put you to work."

=/\=

The first to arrive some hours later, when the kitchen smelled wonderful and the counters were full of food, was the Paris family. They bustled in from the cold Indiana wind and began to unwrap the many layers of clothing around their bodies.

Having never formally met Tom and B'Elanna Paris, Annie took this opportunity to offer her service as a coat rack. The two were bickering lightheartedly about the weather and B'Elanna's aversion to the cold when the younger girl noticed that a small third body was missing. In fact, she'd never even seen the youngest Paris come through the door.

Laden with various items of clothing, Annie was about to ask after Miral when Tom did something that made her decide she liked this man very much. He unzipped his thick thermal sweater to reveal a tiny head, which he brushed with his fingers and smiled at with the look of a truly doting father. Nuzzling gently, he roused the sleeping one year old, pulled her out from her warm hiding place and passed her to her mother.

Annie caught a glimpse of sleepy blue eyes before the remainder of clothing totally obscured her view and she retreated to the back room as instructed by Gretchen, followed by B'Elanna's words of thanks.

=/\=

The whole event went off without a hitch, which came as no surprise, and the evening rolled in low over the fields as the last of the guests left. The last, save for one.

Janeway had perked up with the arrival of her goddaughter, and it had taken some persuading from Harry Kim and Mike Ayala to prise her away. The baby was clearly adored by the entire crew, even Tuvok had sought her out, insisting that she become acquainted with his wife, T'Pel. Tom and B'Elanna had taken the opportunity to catch up with as many old friends as possible, and delighted in watching their daughter being passed around to each loving pair of hands.

There had been many jokes - most of which had gone over Annie's head - but she was happy to just laugh along, infected by the party's atmosphere. Many good friends had been made out of an unfortunate situation, and it was enough to witness the outcome of that.

But out of everyone in the old cottage, there was one person that stood out to Annie. Not least because of the fact that him and the Admiral never seemed to be out of arm's reach. They circled through the groups together, greeting everyone and stealing glances at the other when they weren't looking.

She had met Chakotay quite a few time before, he was a regular visitor to the Admiral's office, but she'd never had the chance to observe them in a casual setting. And it wasn't lost on the young ensign how other members of the crew watched their movements together with curious eyes. Gretchen was no exception, in fact she seemed to be all but pushing the two together - not that they needed any encouragement.

Now, he was seated to Janeway's left on the plush couch in her mother's living room, nursing a fresh cup of tea. Both looked tired but happy after a day of festivities and dear friends. Chakotay's arm was thrown lazily over the back of the sofa, just far enough to reach behind the Admiral and trace her shoulder.

The furniture in the cosy living room was placed such that the sofa and two armchairs sat around the fireplace, adorned with blankets and cushions for keeping warm on cold nights. However, there was a solitary armchair by the bookcase in a dimly lit corner of the room, which Annie currently occupied. Gretchen had told her that this chair had been a favourite of Janeway's when she was younger, perfect for reading as it was, and Annie had immediately taken to curling up here in the evening.

From her position, the she could see the elder woman inch closer to the man next to her, and closed her book softly. It seemed as though they had forgotten she was there, and to stand up and walk out would likely startle them and, worse, break the mood. But she was sure that if anything happened next, her superiors would not like her to be privy to it.

Looking around quickly, she decided that her only option was to feign sleep. That way, if she was discovered, she could claim to be none the wiser, and the other occupants of the room would not have to worry about being discovered.

Making herself comfortable, Annie silently pulled the blanket that was around her knees up to her chin and closed her eyes. With any luck, she'd actually fall asleep and then she would have to feign at all.

The hushed tones started a few minutes later, drifting over the irregular crackle of the fire and petering off just out of earshot. Part of her was glad she couldn't hear what they were saying, but her eyes itched to open. The soft clink of mugs being placed on a coffee table made her crack one lid, to see two blurry shapes move closer together, more boldly this time. From her vantage point, she could clearly hear the soft rustle of clothing on clothing, gave in, and allowed one eye to open fully.

Chakotay's arm was now wrapped around Janeway, whose head was on his shoulder - her auburn hair was shining gold in the firelight and long, dark fingers reached up to brush a few stray strands out of her face.

More muttering that Annie couldn't quite gather, and after a still moment, his head ducked down towards hers. Holding her breath, the young girl willed her eyes to close, but both stubbornly remained wide as their faces became closer, their silhouettes clear from the firelight.

"Annie! Kathryn!"

Gretchen's voice sounded from the next room and her superiors jumped apart, scrambling for opposite sides of the furniture. Annie clamped her eyes closed and ducked her head into the blanket, hoping to give the impression of a deep sleep.

The eldest member of the Janeway family bustled in with her usual force, despite the late hour, "Oh! Chakotay, are you still here?". Annie amiled under the cover at the image of Gretchen kicking herself for interrupting _a moment_.

Moving swiftly on from her slightly flustered daughter and friend, the elder woman exclaimed, "And there's Annie, the poor dear must be shattered."

Soft footfalls made their way over to her armchair and a delicate hand stroked down her arm, attempting to rouse her. Playing along, Annie did her best impression of waking from a nap, emphasising the sticky eyes and stretching her long body from its confines.

Looking over to the sofa, she saw that both Janeway and Chakotay had left the room, but heard their voices by the front door as she was putting her book back. She heard them say their goodbyes, no doubt sharing that tender look that they always did when he left the office, and the door close behind him.

Folding the blanket back around herself, the young girl made her way upstairs, rubbing her eyes and contemplating the art of timing.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm sorry it's been three weeks since my last chapter. I've really wanted to get this written but once the tests finished I immediately got half a dozen assignments and apartment viewings and all sorts of things I have to do now that I'm legally an Adult. But I finally got everything finished this morning, and when I sat down to put on my writing playlist the first song was 'Medicine' by Daughter which was literally perfect so: here we go. Hope you enjoy!

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><p><strong>January 2380<strong>

The heels of Annie's uniform boots clicked on the marble floor of Starfleet HQ's reception as she headed for the turbo lift. Despite the modern furniture that was usual in the Federation, whoever had designed the biggest building in San Francisco had obviously wanted to give a classic feel to the space. The open room was bright, with high windows and lightly coloured plush furniture, upon which a few officers were quietly chatting over drinks or books.

Nodding to the Andorian lady at the desk, Annie headed down the hallway to the left just as a lift arrived and called for the eighth floor. The admirals suites occupied the top two levels of the building, complete with private toilets, lounge areas and aides' offices. She shifted her weight to one foot slightly as the lift began to move horizontally and leafed through some of the papers in her bag, plucking out the ones Admiral Janeway would want to see first.

Today was Annie's half-day, the Admiral had been generous enough to allow her time on a Wednesday morning for marathon training and so she didn't usually report to the office until the afternoon. From time to time, they would arrange a lunch together if there was an important conference or diplomatic assignment coming up, but most of the time Janeway would eat with a friend of colleague.

The turbolift slid to a halt and the doors hissed open to a long corridor that was quietly bustling with aides and officers alike, here for meetings with any of the dozen admirals in this wing. Glass screens down one side of the corridor gave access to the front of the suites and could be switched from clear to opaque with a voice command; the other aides would say that you could tell who the difficult ones were that way. Clear meant genuine and pleasant, opaque meant grumpy and uptight.

It was only when she almost walked into Admiral V'Rel's huge _kal'ta_ that Annie realised she had walked straight past Admiral Janeway's office. Backtracking, she found that the glass that was usually as clear as the windows was a flat gray, and the padd on the wall was flashing a red light, indicating that it was locked.

Had the Admiral been held up? A working lunch had overrun, perhaps. But she always messaged ahead to say so, and that didn't explain the glass. Checking the padd, Annie saw that it had been locked from the inside, so she was still in there.

Although there were a number of plausible situations that came to mind - it was entirely possible that the Admiral had been pulled into an urgent meeting - Annie could not get around the fact that Janeway had not notified her in some way. While the older woman had one of the busiest schedules in the quadrant, she did not just forget things.

Steeling herself at the door, she entered her override code and planned on walking straight through the front office and into her own at the back without intruding on anything that was going on. Shoulders straight, head up, quick and even steps.

The door slid open, Annie stepped purposefully forward into the room, and stopped. There was no one in the office, and it was dark. Someone had closed the blinds, turned the lights all the way down, changed the glass and locked the door. Now confused, the ensign called out into the suite.

"Admiral? Admiral Janeway?"

There was a rustling sound from the lounge, through the open door on the other side of the room from her own office.

"Annie, is that you?" A deep baritone replied, one that she immediately recognised as Chakotay's.

Maybe she had been interrupting something. Hastily moving to the large desk, she deposited the papers that she had taken out of ther bag earlier and turned to leave. Resolving to come back later, she hoped that she hadn't ruined any _mood_ - Gretchen would have her head.

Suddenly, a hand around her wrist stopped her movement and Annie found herself looking into a familiar face, but his brows were drawn and his eyes were sad.

"I was about to comm you - you'll have to reschedule Kathryn's appointments for the rest of the day, she hasn't been this bad in a while," the Professor stepped back and cast a look towards the lounge.

When Annie had taken the assignment to Admiral Janeway nearly a year ago, as part of her preparation she had been called into Starfleet Medical - specifically the Personnel Psychiatry department. The counselors there had briefed anyone who would be spending a lot of time with the Admiral so that they could better support her in the coming months.

Upon their return from the Delta Quadrant, all of Voyager's crew had been assessed for any psychological conditions, and it was of no surprise when there were more than a few cases. The ship and crew had undergone trails and stresses that surpassed even the toughest of missions, some even without the necessary training, and had come out better than anyone could have hoped for. Many credited this to the hard work, diligence and compassion of their Captain - the woman herself, however, had been spat out of the Borg conduit a little worse for wear than most people had realised.

The psychiatrists had explained the details of Janeway's PTSD, with emphasis on triggers to watch out for, and how to best help her through any symptoms. Annie's past experience had helped, but family and friends who had known the Captain before Voyager had found it difficult to adjust to a woman who would wake screaming in the middle of the night, or go days without saying a word.

It was quickly established that the most persistent of the Admiral's symptoms were panic attacks, coming frequently at first, but becoming fewer as the months rolled on. They ranged in intensity, from quiet trembling and an increased heart rate to serious nausea and difficulty breathing. Some lasted a few minutes, others hours, and it was often difficult for her to communicate while in the grip of an attack.

The best remedy for these situations was close quarters with someone she knows well, and soft, warm things like blankets and hot drinks. These things, the counselors explained, would help to ground Janeway, and remind her that she is home, among friends and family, where is no longer the terrifying burden she carried for seven years. This had been relatively simple to manage while she was still on leave at home with her mother and sister, but things changed when she moved back into San Francisco.

The first time Annie was alone with the Admiral when she had an attack was difficult. They had only known each other for a month, and were just getting used to being colleagues, never mind close friends. As such, the young aide was little help, apart from replicating a mug of tea and making her as comfortable as possible while she sat trembling on the sofa, gripping onto the cushions. After half an hour of no change and at a loss, Annie quickly looked up Professor Chakotay's schedule and was relieved to find him free. He arrived a few minutes after her comm, having darted from his Academy building across the court and didn't leave his dear friend's side until the episode had passed.

Since then, it had become a custom that if Janeway had a serious attack, Chakotay would be the first person she would contact. Although eventually Annie could help her superior through them herself, the Professor still liked to be notified, and he would find an excuse to visit the office when his lectures were over. When he ran out of seemingly legitimate reasons, he would simply show up with a dimpled grin and a book or chocolates, or her favourite blend from that little coffee shop way on the other side of town. The man was equal parts charming and thoughtful in a way that Annie was sure had only existed in holonovels.

The same man was now sat at the end of the plush cream sofa in the lounge, one arm around the Admiral's hunched form, and the other gently rubbing her bicep through the blanket kept in the officer for this very use. His forehead was pressed against her temple, and he was muttering soothing words in her ear, telling her about his day. Her eyes were tightly shut, but her breathing had slowed, and the violent shaking had subsided from when Annie had first come in.

Nothing remarkable had caused the attack this time, Chakotay had simply taken Janeway out for one of their regular lunches when she suddenly asked that they leave; they had barely made it back to the office before she was clutching at his arms and trembling like the centre of a flame.

She turned towards him on the seat and pressed her face into his shoulder, drawing herself into him as he seemed to wrap himself around her in turn; blending into a simple mass of mutual comfort and reassurance.

Annie pulled away from the door frame and headed for her desk, leaving the two alone.


End file.
